It's about time

I figured since it's been a while, and my memory has started to fade from the last entry, it was time for some new pictures. These were taken on Easter morning and give the illusion that our Easter morn was filled with nothing but marshmallow bunnies and chocolate egg hunts. Do not be decieved! Let's just say we made an emergency visit to the dry cleaners with Lennix sitting naked in my car BEFORE church! I have calmed down now, I no longer see red, and I can laugh about it. But in NO WAY did I think smearing chapstick all over her brand new SILK Easter dress was funny! Just a piece of advice to every mother out there that thinks taking her kids to the railroad tracks on Easter morning BEFORE church is a good idea: IT'S NOT. There's tar. And oil. And white shoes.

There are days that I love my kids enough, that I wish I could take a snap shot of life and freeze them exactly how they are and never have them grow another day! This picture is what it would look like. All dressed up and holding hands. Ahhhhh- near perfection.

Special thanks to Wadley for capturing this sweet photo of Lennix. I have no idea what or who she is looking at, but her neck is screaming at me to take a bite out of it!!

I didn't realize Kody was such the "model" until I asked him to stand by that pole and this is was look he gave me. Really?? Did I really make such a handsome little man? How did I get so lucky?

Back to our favorite Easter spot. Why is it our favorite you are thinking?? Well for starters, no one could ever guess where this is, or how small this patch of flowers actually is by looking at this picture. This is our third year coming back to our "spot" and I think the pictures turned out great!

Maybe Jared was standing on the side of the railroad track. Maybe. But you know what? I had on HIGH shoes and I didnt want to have to take them off just for this picture. I thought it would be so cool to be in a picture with him being so much taller than me but I was wrong. It was weird and awkward and we didn't fit together like we normally do. But I like the picture anyways.

There we go... Back to our normal 5'8". Just how I like it.

I have to say Easter this year was one of the best I can remember in a long time! I mean, nothing beats a Royal Carribean Cruise line dinner with Sharalyn and my parents in Honduras, but this year was a close close close second! Dinner at my parents was delish as always, and if I wasn't too busy stuffing my mouth filled with EVERYTHING they had out, I would have taken a picture of the food. It was picture worthy! All the way down to the Lemon Soufle that Uncle Kent made. For all those wondering, no I didn't find the Golden Egg this year, but either did Scottie and that's all I really care about. Good job to Wadley though for having monkey like climbing skills and cat like reflexes and finding it! I'll only be jealous for a few more days.

Luck of the Irish

So let's back it up to early February. Sharalyn and I had signed up to run the Napa Valley Marathon together. We were so excited to FINALLY get to run a race together no matter how fast or how slow we were going to go. Our training was not as "strict" as we usually are, but it didn't matter- we were slacking off together which meant we would both be a little slower than normal. Then it happened. Feels like forever ago, but I can remember it like it was yesterday. After doing some major grocery shopping, I had sledged through the rain and up the stairs with Lennix in my arms and out of nowhere slipped on the tile stairs coming into my house. Didn't matter if it were 100 stairs or 10 stairs- it was the way I landed that hurt so bad. I had never felt so much pain in my entire life. I had serious thoughts that I had done some serious damage. I screamed and screamed and screamed for someone to help. Poor Lennix was thrown down and landed on who knows what and was crying too. Jason Wright(who was walking right behind me when all this went down) stood over me and watched me cry and mumble something about me having no back. It was honestly "I have no back Part 2!" Finally made my way onto the couch and made that my permanent home for the next week. The thought of me running the marathon with Sharalyn was a distant hope. But, by the end of the week, I was able to get up and move around with the help of some serious medication from my father in law (Thank you Kent!) and a lot of ice and heat. After the pain was refusing to subside, I went to the doctors only to be told I had fractured my L3 vertebrae on the right side of my spine and there was nothing much they could do for me besides treating the pain. It wasn't going to make things worse by running with a broken back, I just had to learn how to deal with running through the pain without throwing up. Good enough for me. Time to run again- I've got a marathon to train for. (Thank you a million times over to Janelle who ran with me my first run back which was a short 20 miles and had to listen to me complain every couple of feet!)

Then it happened again. Because of the pain in my back, I wasn't able to lift my right leg normally. Which was not really a problem except for when I had to do certain daily activities. Like showering. One day while I was getting out of the shower, I didn't lift my leg high enough and hit my foot on the rim of the sliding glass shower door and broke my second toe on my right foot. So now I've got a broken back AND a broken toe. Nice.

Life was moving along nicely. We got into a routine of things and I would ice when I needed to and heat when I had the time. I was able to walk around without much pain, and continue my training. Napa Valley here we come! One day, I was in Target and found this beautiful wooden box on the clearance aisle. Perfect to hide all of Lennix's toys in. I pick it up to put it in my cart...Man, this thing is heavy! I ask for help to get it in the cart and into my car. After picking Kody up from school, we head home and I go to lift the latch of the back of my car. OUT COMES THE HEAVY WOODEN BOX I had just bought. Nooooooo- I have to save it! But what can I grab it with? Not my arms because that would hurt my back... not my head because... well, that would just be silly. Instead I decide to stop the heavy box from falling with my thigh. I didn't even come close to saving it, but instead had it bounce off my leg so hard I thought I broke my femur. At this point, I am literally falling apart piece by piece.

Even though my whole body was just a bunch of different injuries, and my diet pretty much consisted of eating food just so I could take pain medicine, I was determined to run this marathon with Sharalyn by my side.

So now it's February 24th and I am scheduled to run an easy 6 miles. I made it to mile 4 and then the pain in my right knee started hurting so bad I had to walk. I could not believe this was happening to me with the marathon being only a few days away! I walked home limping and crying, and frustrated beyond belief. How on earth was I going to do this?!? I called Sharalyn and she told me to just rest it. She would be out on Thursday and we will decide what to do when she came.

By Friday, I was feeling ok. Not even close to 100% but more like 47%. This wasn't looking good. The battle of "should we go or shouldn't we" continued on until Friday night at 6:00 pm. Sharalyn had a valid concern with my knee. She didn't want us to drive all the way up there, run 2 miles, and have my knee go out and have to run the whole marathon by herself. I had assured Sharalyn that I could probably put in at least 10 miles, maybe even 15. Anything after that- she was on her own. Good enough for her. Decision was made- we were heading to Napa the following morning.

Jared's dad had let us borrow his new BMW Z4 for our "girls weekend" so we picked that up and started throwing our junk into the trunk. *Side note to anyone interested in purchasing a Z4 in the near future- Not a lot of room in the trunk. Or the front for that matter.* We are taped up from head to toe, filled with every anti-inflammatory you can name and we're ready to hit the road with the top down! We get on the 118 headed east and made it to Yosemite before we realized how much this drive was going to suck with the top down. I could not stop laughing every time I looked at Sharalyn and saw this:

We quickly turned our "girls weekend enjoying a convertible" into "girls weekend smashed in a convertible." Fun times. We made it onto the 5 Northbound and were greeted with this:

They were beautiful the first couple miles. Stunning actually. We commented several times about the colors, the breath taking views, etc...but even an almond tree can get boring after a while. For the next 5 hours all we saw were rows and rows of almond trees. Miles and miles and miles were lined with another long stretch of almond trees. We turned on the radio only to hear about the "Almond Festival" that was going on in a nearby town. shocker. We were literally being suffocated by almond trees!

We stopped at a Subway somewhere outside of Sacramento and met the lovely Indian family who owned the place. We asked how far Napa was from there to which the nice Indian woman answers "too far." That's a nice answer Indian woman. Thanks for the encouraging words. After Sharalyn and I looked at her with blank expressions, she yelled to the back of the store and called for the human Mapquest, and he gave us "better way to go. I know I am truck driver." Thank you Indian woman and Indian truck driver.

After following directions from ITD, we finally see a sign that says Napa Valley this way and literally jump for joy. Well, jump as high as we could in a tiny little box car. We get onto the 12 Freeway which takes you into Napa through the back roads. I'm not exaggerating when I say these were some of the most beautiful back roads I have ever seen. At one point, the road narrows and you are down to one lane with construction barriers on either side of you. There's nothing like feeling like you are in a bobsled in the luge for over an hour going 100 mph. Sharalyn and I were both leaning into the curves like pros and I think could have taken the gold medal in the Olympics. Then the construction stopped, the fields opened up and we saw this:

It was like we were driving through the Irish hillsides. There were sheep playing in the fields, vineyards as far as we could see, and tiny little leprechauns collecting four leaf clovers. Well, maybe not. But it was a fun excuse to use our Irish accents to get into the spirit of things right?

So we head to our hotel where we are going to meet some friends of friends so we can all go together to pick up our bibs and stuff. Quick stop in a parking lot 500 feet away from the hotel, we put the top down, apply lip gloss, and pretend like this is how the whole trip has been. Saw our friends, said our hellos, got back in the car, drove 500 feet and then decided to put the top back up. Who's stupid convertible idea was this?!?

After packet pick up we decided to show our new friends a place close to our hearts. The local IHOP. We'll take the short stack light butter, sugar free syrup, egg whites cooked in pam not butter, water with lemon please. Make that 2. We ate until we were full but it still hadn't hit us yet. We were running a marathon tomorrow. YIKES!

That night was a serious blur. You know those nights that you HAVE to go to sleep but your heart is pounding away from the adrenaline running through your veins? Yep, it was one of those. Sharalyn and I had to...I mean got to share a twin bed. Lucky us. Despite the sleeping pills we both took, I dont think either of us got more than 3 hours sleep. At one point in the night, Sharalyn was tossing and turning and I mentioned that she couldn't be serious. Who flips that violently?!? A quick "Shut up or get on the floor" was uttered and I didn't say another word.

At 4:30 the next morning Sharalyn hits the lights and it's game time. We get dressed as fast as we can with our eyes focused on the pool as we watch the rain drops start to hit the water. Better add an extra layer. We get on a bus full of runners and head to the start line. It's a small race, but when we got there we finally realized how small. The bus dropped us off at some random street that had port-o-pottys lined up and there was a small start line off in the distance. We waited in line to do what runners do before a race, and we hear them begin the count down. 5...4...3...2....1...START. We are still in line waiting to use the rest room. Lovely. When we were both done, we casually walked over to the start line and looked at each other. Ready? Lets do this.

First mile- easy.

Second mile- uh oh.

Third mile- this isn't good.

Fourth mile- we have to come up with a new plan. I signal for Sharalyn to run to the side and I tell her about the pain in my knee. It's not good. I had been feeling the sharp pain since mile 2. There was no way I was going to be able to keep this up for another 22 miles. I start to cry, tell her how sorry I am, and she decides she's gonna run the rest of the way by herself. I take her jacket, (she thought the rain was going to stop...silly her) give her my iPod, and she's off running again. I get to walk to mile 10 where the ambulance will be waiting to take all the losers back to the finish line. I call my mom and Jared and begin to bawl. I am so mad. Mad at the stupid race that is on slanty streets. Mad at my knee for giving out. Mad at Napa for it being so rainy. Just mad. I tell them I'll call them as soon as I get back to the finish line. I can see the 5 mile marker in the distance and reason starts to set in. It's 40 degrees, raining, and I have another 5 miles to walk. This is going to take FOREVER! I decide the only way to get there faster, is to try and run. I didn't say it was going to be pretty or even fast, but I did it. I found a way to run without much pain and was able to get to mile 10. If I stopped, I knew I was done for. Now it's just a game between me and the course. How far could I go like this? I didn't know but I wanted to find out. I know in the back of my mind, the next aid station is somewhere between mile 18 and 20. I make that my goal and decide i'm gonna go for it. I keep running until I get to mile 18 and I stop at the aid station and they ask if I want a ride back. Did I want it? yes. Was I going to take it? No. Finally at mile 20, my legs were tired. My body was aching, my calves were as hard as rocks, I didn't think I could do this any more. I call Jared and my mom and give them the update. Both gave some much needed encouraging words and I was ready to do the last 6 miles. I walked to the edge of the aid station and take one last breath, look up and see Sharalyn running right past me! I scream her name, she runs up to me, and we just hug for a long time. It was like something out of a movie. Hugging, crying, laughing, crying, stretching...We were not going to have to do this alone.

Mile 20 to 22 were absolute hell. No joke. There was a hill that I still have nightmares about that would not let up. The rain was pouring, we were tired, and our bodies were shot. For the sake of this being a journal, I will not go into detail as to what was said during those miles. Let's just say, it wasn't pretty. By mile 22, I looked at Sharalyn and told her we needed to pull it together. It wasn't a matter of "if" anymore. We were going to do this no matter what. Shar thought it was best if she galloped like a horse. I looked more like a duck. We held hands and waddled/galloped the rest of the way. We looked like some sort of lesbian couple. Me and my blind, down syndrome girlfriend. At mile 23, there was this little girl sent from heaven handing out sorbet. Long story short- she got the idea that I would really really like some.

Mile 24, there was this lady in front of us. Probably late 60's, obviously over weight, wearing a Breast cancer survivor shirt. Good for her. Shar decides that's our goal. We HAVE to beat her. By mile 25, we decided she had survived cancer and we should let her go ahead. As she passed us, she smiled and said "Finish strong girls..." Thank you lady. You win. We lose.

Mile 26 we can hear the cheering. We are broken big time and I honestly didnt think we could do this for another minute. But we had to. We pass the 26 mile marker and I ask a lady standing on the street how much further. I'm thinking she's going to say something like "around the corner" or "just another minute." Nope. She says "a half mile." You did not seriously just say that! I saw the marker lady. I know a marathon is only 26.2 miles. Don't ever say that again.

We cross the finish line and get our medals. Two little asian boys come to help us and Shar just stands face to face with her asian helper and cries. My asian helper holds me (I collapsed in his scrawy little arms) and he lays me on the curb and then stands over me. Talk about awkward. We make our way through the high school gymnasium where they are serving soup. Wow- just what I want after a marathon. Yummy. yeah right.

We walk to our car, unlock the doors, get undressed inside, throw on some sweats, and decide to just head home. No shower. No celebratory dinner. Nothing. We didn't have it in us anymore. We didn't have anything in us anymore. It was just back in the bobsled headed towards those damn almond trees.
So there you have it. That's our story. Probably doesn't mean anything close to what it means to me. Even as I sit here and relive this story, I get choked up. Someone asked if I was glad we went. 150% glad. It is those kind of experiences that shape us into the people we are. It was because of this race, that I know we are not quitters. Our mom raised us better than that. When faced with a challenge, we take it head on with laughter and determination that cannot be matched. And we do it together, hand in hand, gallop to waddle.

To Sharalyn, without question there is no way I could have done this without you. As with most things in life, they are always done better with you by my side. I remember mom saying that after this race, we were bonded for life. Well, you are my sister which makes us bonded for life regardless, but our friendship is what is bonded now. I admire your willingness to let your little sister take over sometimes and lead us to the finish line even though you are always the older and wiser one. I mean it when I say I would do anything for you. You are my best friend and make this world a much brighter one. You have a strength beyond measure and should be proud of the woman you are. You can turn any situation into a laugh till I cry, sides hurting, cannot breathe moment. You are someone I admire for too many reasons to list. Your beauty is stunning and shines like a star. Yes, the finish line was a great memory. Yes, I loved every long minute of that 5 hour battle. But you want to know what was my favorite part of all this? It was when you and I were sitting buck naked in the car changing clothes, and you said "This was an I love you moment Shannon." I would run 100 more marathons to have those moments with you Shar. I love you too RNR CHK!!

She's not a baby anymore

My baby girl is celebrating her 2nd birthday today! Wow- time really does fly when your're having fun. I can honestly say I have loved getting to know this little girl. She has more personality in her little finger than most 22 year olds! From the minute I met this little diva, my heart melted. I remember wanting a boy so badly. When we went in for our ultrasound to find out the sex, the nurse paused the screen to measure something (i think it was her femur). I looked at her without hesitation and said "It's a girl." She just smiled and said "you're right." I knew it. We ALL knew it. Laying on that paper sheet in the sterile doctors office, I was hooked. I was IN LOVE with this little girl before I even met her.

My whole pregnancy was one big bag of worry. We just wanted to get to the 20 week mark and kind of held our breath until that day came. We had an appointment that day, and I was telling my midwife how I would stop worrying once I hit that 20 week mark. She said, get to 28 weeks and then you can stop worrying. Thanks for the extra 2 months you just added to our stress! I remember freaking out about what day she would be born. I only wanted my midwife to deliver so I got her entire schedule for the month of February and planned accordingly. When I told my midwife that I was flying my sister in on the 12th- she knew I meant business and agreed to induce me. I was so uncomfortable being that large and even breathing was exhausting. We got to the hospital at 8:00 am and the nurses asked Jared why we were there. His exact answer: "Hi, I'm Jared. And we're here to have a baby." Wow.

The labor and delivery floor was super busy so they couldnt start my pitocin right away because they wanted one nurse to take care of me instead of having one nurse taking care of two girls. Fair enough. We were in for the long haul. My whole family came and went through out the day and all I can remember about that afternoon was laughing. A lot. Sharalyn on the lounge chair doing what she does best when I'm in pain. Absolutley nothing. Around 6:00 pm I started to feel something. After a few- "Im not sure what Im feeling" moments later- the nurse checked me and it was game time. As I was being wheeled into the room, Lydia (my midwife) asked me who I wanted in the room. I asked how many people were allowed in there. She asked me again who I wanted in the room. My answer was simple. Everyone. So there we were: Me, Jared, my mom, my dad, Kody, Sharalyn, Scott, Casey, Lydia, two baby nurses and an intern. PARTY TIME. My whole pregnancy I told Lydia that I would be a great pusher- and I did not disappoint. 2 pushes and this little baby was out. I can remember everyone in the room being in tears. Even Casey. Of course Casey. Lydia knew how hard we tried to get pregnant and was actually the midwife that was there with me when I had miscarried the year before. We had come a long way from that day!!

They laid Lennix on me and I can still see those huge eyes staring back at me. She was so tiny and wrinkly and pink. She was perfect. The family left and they moved me into the recovery area. Sharalyn did what was perfectly natural for her- ordered a hamburger and took a nap. In the bed with me. Our little love baby tucked in nicely between us. I could not have asked for anything better.

Lennix is more than anything I could have imagined. Girly when she needs to be, a spit fire when she wants to be, and 100% a daddys girl when she has to be!! She has taught me patience and gratitude without even trying. She has allowed me to make mistakes and is quick to forgive. She loves her brother and Nama but will always be a daddys girl at heart. She thinks she is hilarious and demands to be the star of the show when company is over. She is just everything I hoped a little girl would be. I don't care if she is a little (okay, A LOT) demanding at times- she is the cutest little thing I have ever laid eyes on. And that makes up for a lot of attitude! So, here's to you girlfriend! You are no longer a baby. That thought a lone makes me want to jump for joy and cry rivers of tears all at the same time!! We love you LJ xxoo

WARNING!! Do NOT scroll down if you have a weak stomach! Under ANY circumstances!!

How many kids get to write "My dad cut his thumb off while he was at work" for their spelling word sentences at school? Kody does!!! He was so excited that he came up with that one all on his own. Always looking for that silver lining right?










On March 18th 2002, Kody's dad, David was in a horrible accident at work and cut his thumb off. OUCH! Here's the proof. Luckily, he had amazing doctors and a lot of prayers were said on his behalf and it was reattached without problems.





*Just a side note- the word thumb has been added to my list of words I hate. It is joined by the words slot, moist, 'lil', hung, and any word that Sharalyn says that has a "p" in it. (think popcorn, purple, appliances, etc...)

Diva

This isn't it- since this picture was taken, she has added a feather boa, a tutu ballerina leotard, 2 mardi gras necklaces and bright pink finger/toe nail polish that has to be touched up DAILY! What was I thinking when I said I wanted another boy!!

Whats been going on??

Everyone keeps asking Jared and I what is going on with our recent posts. Let's back up to the post about IVF. (It's a hard knock life) That post was simply meant to be an update for those who have been following our IVF trials and for me to be honest about my feelings. Apparently "Anonymous" thought it was some sort of attack on Jared's manhood and sent these comments: (I have condensed some of them due to their redundancy, and grammatical errors- maybe they should spend less time sending messages on Blogger, and head back to school)

Shannon, I totally know how you feel 100% because I went through the exact same thing for many years and felt the same depressions as you are feeling. Hoever...I am really dissapointed that you would say such hurtful things about your husband, like it is HIS fault. I feel so bad for him after reading this. Again, I feel your pain, I felt all those things, but you need to realize that he is your husband and he DID NOT choose for this to happen. Please do not blame him for your saddness, I'm sure if he read this, it would crush him. If it was you that was causing the problems, I would sure hope he wouldn't be blaming you for something you have NO control over. At that note, please know I feel for you for the pain you are feeling, it is something no one can explain unless they have been there, as I have.
It is a very lonely and hard time. However, I am very dissapointed in the way you blame your husband on this when it is completly out of his control. If it was you that was the problem, I would sure hope that he wouldn't be putting you down and blaming you. I know you are hurting, but it is NOT his fault AT ALL! Put yourself in his shoes and imagine what it would feel like not being able to control the situation.
All I have to say is poor Jared and the feelings he is going through. He can't help it and you are making him feel worse! I know you won't post this, but I had to say something.

These comments were met with frustration, tears, and sadness that someone would actually think that I would be blaming Jared for the situation. Apparently I am not allowed to explain the situation EXACTLY LIKE IT REALLY IS without attacking Jared's manhood. I showed the comments to Jared and HE decided to write a post of his OWN. (Dear Anonymous)

Not long after that post was published, "anonymous" sent this little gem to me:
It's hard to believe that this is Jared talking...But I apologize for coming across rude. I just would NEVER resent my husband for something he can't control...and I am speaking from this first hand, we do have the same issues. Believe me when I say I know how you feel.

And then this one to Jared 15 minutes later: (this one is my favorite!!)
Alright than I will respond to you. Why dont you man up and kick her in the teeth. Why would you put up with that type of abuse? What an ungrateful piece of work she must be. How you lasted with her is amazing. If my wife did that to me I'd be changing the locks and looking for a new one. Good luck with Mrs. Perfect and make sure to keep us posted on all the upcoming personal trash she shares with eveyone.

So there you have it. That is what has been going on. I'll leave the offer on the table for anonymous: Call Jared ANY TIME you want- He'd like to have a few words with you. (That is, after he's done "kicking my teeth in") We are almost positive we know where these comments are coming from. Apparently "anonymous" doesn't know that this whole blogging thing isn't really "anonymous" afterall. The joke will be on them. To the friends and family who have shown their love and supprt- Thank you a million times over. I appreciate all the emails, texts, "out of the blue packages", turtles, etc... I have felt your love and am grateful for all of you.

Love- Mrs. Perfect

Anonymous,

CALL ME!

Jared

Dear Anonymous:

Wow Wow Wow- those were quite the comments you decided to leave on my wife's blog. You were right about one thing: she is not going to post such trash on a blog that is so special and private to her. Lets get something straight: that post had nothing to do with my wife putting me down rather her sharing her feelings about her friends all getting pregnant around her. For you to take away what you did, is purely on your shoulders. My wife and I have spent countless hours discussing what we will and wont share with people regarding our fertility issues and it is because of people like YOU that we don't share our feelings. I love how you posted Anonymously. That says a lot about you. My wife and I knew that by putting our feelings on such a public forum- we could come across such disrespectful people like yourself. For you to say that you "know first hand the feelings that we are going through" and still send a message like the one you did- you should be the one that's ashamed of yourself. As for your comment "I'm sure if he read this, it would crush him"- well, I was sitting next to my wife as she typed that last post and NONE of it makes me "feel blame, or put down, or that I am the cause of her sadness." Unlike you, I fully understand how my wife feels and appreciate her honesty and willingness to talk about those feelings with me. I know EXACTLY what she is going through and am proud of her for sticking with me through out our trials. The reality of the situation Anonymous is that IT IS because of my sperm count, that we have fertility issues. This is obviously something you must have missed. My wife has had to endure so many procedures (most of which are very painful) to bring my child into the world and for that I am forever grateful for her. I remember us having a private conversation after we had Lennix, and we decided we would not do IVF again because of all the hell we had to endure to get that precious little baby here. So when my wife and I started looking at babies with a different longing than we had before, we knew what we were getting ourselves into. Having to ask my wife to go through all the physical, emotional, and financial hardships AGAIN was very difficult. But she is the strongest person I know and I knew she would do it again. And she will do it with the help and support of her friends and family. Which thankfully are nothing like you. I find the comments you left for my wife to be insulting, hurtful and mean spirited. You DO NOT know me, or how I feel and I don't appreciate you thinking that you do. If you have something to say about me- say it to me. Not my wife. If you don't like what my wife has to say on HER blog, don't read it. I never understood why my wife was always so careful with the friends she chooses to have- until now. Thanks to you.

Jared

It's a hard knock life...

I haven't posted anything about the whole baby situation not because I'm trying to keep things a secret but there's nothing new tell. Well, almost nothing. Let me explain. Last Friday, I took Lennix to her normal Gymboree class. The teacher is this totally cute young girl who has a little boy that was born on the same day as Lennix. Because most of the other moms there are a lot older, we became friends quickly. She asked me last Friday if Jared and I were thinking about having another baby anytime soon. I told her the plans for IVF and she told me that her and her husband had just decided to start trying for another baby too. At this point, I am truly happy for her. Fast forward to Wednesdays class...She announces to the class that she is pregnant. What?!? How in the heck does that happen?

Remember all those "truly happy" feelings I had towards her? They were thrown out the window the second all the other moms started squealing and asking her a million questions about the pregnancy. In an instant- this girl became my enemy. I want to be that girl. I want the moms to squeal in delight and ask ME questions. I want people to ask me when I'm due, and about what sex I hope the baby is. More than anything, I want to tell people that my husband and I are "going to start trying" one week, and announce my pregnancy the next week.

But truth is, I'm not that girl. And never will be. I went home after that class and explained what happened to Jared. He gave me his best "it's going to be okay" gibberish and I attempted to move on. I thought I was okay. Added emphasis on "I thought." Every where I turn, people are announcing their pregnancy to me. And it's not like I'm not happy for them, it just makes me sad for myself. Thus proving so far to be a very tough place emotionally to be in.

Then this morning. I happened to check out a girls blog that is a friend of a friends- and she had announced her pregnancy too. Twins. Double blow. Let me clarify before all you pregnant people out there start to take offence- I am happy for you. Pure happiness. But, I wish I were you. And it's hard to not be you, and still be happy for you. This is something no one will understand unless they have been through something like this themselves.

I tried my best to not cry this morning. I turned the computer off and busied myself with making lunches and cleaning the house. And then it fell. A single tear on my kitchen counter. I called my sister and asked if she had a minute. Of course she says, whats up? And then it all fell. Tear after tear after tear. I let her hear ALL of it. She did a good job of just listening to me and at the end of it all she says "Well, if you ever wondered if you wanted another baby...you just got your answer." She's right. I did get my answer. I do want another baby and I want it so bad, I'm willing to go through hell again to have one.

This whole situation is very sticky for Jared and I to talk about together. We come from such different perspectives, we often don't see it black and white and have come to settle somewhere in the grey area. It's hard for me to not resent Jared. Not really Jared, just his sperm. This is something that baffles him. He always tells me it's not his "fault" and that he wishes it weren't like this. But it is like this, and it's because of his sperm that we can't get pregnant without help and $50,000. So I always eventually end up resenting him.

One of the things that always bothers me is that Jared never shows any sort of "hardship" through out any of this. It's like it doesn't even phase him. He doesn't cry when one of his friends tells him about their pregnancy. He doesn't have to endure shot after shot after shot....for months and months and months. It doesn't seem to affect him at all. Which then leads to more resentment. See where I'm going with all this??

I explained it to him like this: Imagine if I got in a car accident a year before we met. And because I had no medical insurance, I now owed the hospital hundreds of thousands of dollars. This accident wasn't my "fault" but rather the debt is just something I brought into the marriage. Because of all this debt, he had to work 7 days a week, 24 hours a day just to make the minimum payment. We would never be able to buy a house, or buy a new car. We couldn't ever put any money into savings, and barely made ends meet. It was all on his shoulders to work work work so we could pay off the debt I brought into the marriage. This "work work work" is what I feel like I have to go through. All while he gets to sit back and do nothing except hand over a sperm sample on embryo transfer day.

I know all this sounds like one big pity party. And maybe it is. But it's MY pitty party. I never expected to feel like this again so quickly. I really thought I could do this again without the emotional roller coaster. I was wrong. So, to all my friends that are preggers- please know that I love love love you and want all the happiness in the world for you. Please don't take offense if I don't vocalize it that much. This has to be a war I fight within my own heart, on my own terms . And in my own way.

Mine...

Some husbands stop by the florist on their way home from work and surprise their wife with a boquet of flowers.

I've even heard of one husband stopping by a jewelry store to buy his wife a beautiful new watch she's had her eyes on...

Mine? He stopped by the store on his way home from work and surprised me with these:

And I couldn't be happier! Thanks J for such a tastey treat.

Little convo...

The conversation Lennix and I had this morning...

Lennix: Mommy me? (handing me a wooden surfboard she found in the bag from our race this weekend)

Me: Okay. Here, hand it to me and I'll open it for you.

Lennix: Mommy, i eat?

Me: No, Lennix you cant eat that.

Lennix: MOMMY, I EAT!

Me: NO Lennix, you cant eat that!

Lennix: Mommy, why? (more like wwwwhhhhhhhyyyyyyy????)

Me: Because it's wood.

Lennix: Oh. Okay. And then she took a bite. (it was cheap wood I guess)

seriously. where did the time go? When did she learn to question things in life? (a trait about her I will cherish FOREVER!) Life with this girl gets more goofy and wonderful with each passing day.