Thursday, February 5, 2009

It's a hard knock life...

I haven't posted anything about the whole baby situation not because I'm trying to keep things a secret but there's nothing new tell. Well, almost nothing. Let me explain. Last Friday, I took Lennix to her normal Gymboree class. The teacher is this totally cute young girl who has a little boy that was born on the same day as Lennix. Because most of the other moms there are a lot older, we became friends quickly. She asked me last Friday if Jared and I were thinking about having another baby anytime soon. I told her the plans for IVF and she told me that her and her husband had just decided to start trying for another baby too. At this point, I am truly happy for her. Fast forward to Wednesdays class...She announces to the class that she is pregnant. What?!? How in the heck does that happen?

Remember all those "truly happy" feelings I had towards her? They were thrown out the window the second all the other moms started squealing and asking her a million questions about the pregnancy. In an instant- this girl became my enemy. I want to be that girl. I want the moms to squeal in delight and ask ME questions. I want people to ask me when I'm due, and about what sex I hope the baby is. More than anything, I want to tell people that my husband and I are "going to start trying" one week, and announce my pregnancy the next week.

But truth is, I'm not that girl. And never will be. I went home after that class and explained what happened to Jared. He gave me his best "it's going to be okay" gibberish and I attempted to move on. I thought I was okay. Added emphasis on "I thought." Every where I turn, people are announcing their pregnancy to me. And it's not like I'm not happy for them, it just makes me sad for myself. Thus proving so far to be a very tough place emotionally to be in.

Then this morning. I happened to check out a girls blog that is a friend of a friends- and she had announced her pregnancy too. Twins. Double blow. Let me clarify before all you pregnant people out there start to take offence- I am happy for you. Pure happiness. But, I wish I were you. And it's hard to not be you, and still be happy for you. This is something no one will understand unless they have been through something like this themselves.

I tried my best to not cry this morning. I turned the computer off and busied myself with making lunches and cleaning the house. And then it fell. A single tear on my kitchen counter. I called my sister and asked if she had a minute. Of course she says, whats up? And then it all fell. Tear after tear after tear. I let her hear ALL of it. She did a good job of just listening to me and at the end of it all she says "Well, if you ever wondered if you wanted another just got your answer." She's right. I did get my answer. I do want another baby and I want it so bad, I'm willing to go through hell again to have one.

This whole situation is very sticky for Jared and I to talk about together. We come from such different perspectives, we often don't see it black and white and have come to settle somewhere in the grey area. It's hard for me to not resent Jared. Not really Jared, just his sperm. This is something that baffles him. He always tells me it's not his "fault" and that he wishes it weren't like this. But it is like this, and it's because of his sperm that we can't get pregnant without help and $50,000. So I always eventually end up resenting him.

One of the things that always bothers me is that Jared never shows any sort of "hardship" through out any of this. It's like it doesn't even phase him. He doesn't cry when one of his friends tells him about their pregnancy. He doesn't have to endure shot after shot after shot....for months and months and months. It doesn't seem to affect him at all. Which then leads to more resentment. See where I'm going with all this??

I explained it to him like this: Imagine if I got in a car accident a year before we met. And because I had no medical insurance, I now owed the hospital hundreds of thousands of dollars. This accident wasn't my "fault" but rather the debt is just something I brought into the marriage. Because of all this debt, he had to work 7 days a week, 24 hours a day just to make the minimum payment. We would never be able to buy a house, or buy a new car. We couldn't ever put any money into savings, and barely made ends meet. It was all on his shoulders to work work work so we could pay off the debt I brought into the marriage. This "work work work" is what I feel like I have to go through. All while he gets to sit back and do nothing except hand over a sperm sample on embryo transfer day.

I know all this sounds like one big pity party. And maybe it is. But it's MY pitty party. I never expected to feel like this again so quickly. I really thought I could do this again without the emotional roller coaster. I was wrong. So, to all my friends that are preggers- please know that I love love love you and want all the happiness in the world for you. Please don't take offense if I don't vocalize it that much. This has to be a war I fight within my own heart, on my own terms . And in my own way.


Mrs. Richardson said...

Wow my friend! Thank you for opening your heart that way... I wish I was as strong as you. I understand EXACTLY how you feel. Although Kasey's sperm is not the issue... the thousands of dollers to get him reversed is!!!! he has the same reactions as Jared... and I have the same feelings towards him... resentment, eventhough I love him with all my heart! I am here for you at any time and I pray that I can get the courage you have to open up about how I am feeling...... I just sit quit and continue to
"deal/except/regress/fake/lie" about happiness and that everything is good and that I am okay with the way it is and understand the "one day" will happen.......... Love Ya

redstarmama said...

I may not be one of those women who can get pregnant form just sitting next to their husbands, but it hasn't been hard for us, either. Until this time. I am getting the tiniest possible taste of what you go through, Shan, and I can't tell you how much I admire your dedication and general IVF gnarliness. Hang in. We're with you!

Anonymous said...

Feel what you need to feel. We'll be right here to support you. Love you so much!

Amber said...

Shannon, although you and I haven't spoken about this in person I have read some of your thoughts and just want to tell you I feel for you. My sister in law has gone through so many of your emotions and I have heard, been the shoulder, watched with admiration and been sad for her. It's ok to go through any and all the emotions you need to. You will get back up and you will make your life your best.
And above all else, I pray you have another beeb, because the ones you have are absolutely amazing!

Anonymous said...

Hang in there and remember the out come is worth it. It is okay to be mad, sad and whatever else you want. This is a trial that is no fair for anyone to have! Big hugs!

carly said...

we love you guys :)

summerk said...

Shannon... I don't know what to say. I don't completely understand how you feel since I haven't gone through it, but reading your feelings about it all made my emotions start to overflow. I think you're amazing and I sincerely hope for the best for you.

By the way, you did a great job on the T-shirts for Ginger's run. They're perfect. I wish I could be there.