She's not a baby anymore

My baby girl is celebrating her 2nd birthday today! Wow- time really does fly when your're having fun. I can honestly say I have loved getting to know this little girl. She has more personality in her little finger than most 22 year olds! From the minute I met this little diva, my heart melted. I remember wanting a boy so badly. When we went in for our ultrasound to find out the sex, the nurse paused the screen to measure something (i think it was her femur). I looked at her without hesitation and said "It's a girl." She just smiled and said "you're right." I knew it. We ALL knew it. Laying on that paper sheet in the sterile doctors office, I was hooked. I was IN LOVE with this little girl before I even met her.

My whole pregnancy was one big bag of worry. We just wanted to get to the 20 week mark and kind of held our breath until that day came. We had an appointment that day, and I was telling my midwife how I would stop worrying once I hit that 20 week mark. She said, get to 28 weeks and then you can stop worrying. Thanks for the extra 2 months you just added to our stress! I remember freaking out about what day she would be born. I only wanted my midwife to deliver so I got her entire schedule for the month of February and planned accordingly. When I told my midwife that I was flying my sister in on the 12th- she knew I meant business and agreed to induce me. I was so uncomfortable being that large and even breathing was exhausting. We got to the hospital at 8:00 am and the nurses asked Jared why we were there. His exact answer: "Hi, I'm Jared. And we're here to have a baby." Wow.

The labor and delivery floor was super busy so they couldnt start my pitocin right away because they wanted one nurse to take care of me instead of having one nurse taking care of two girls. Fair enough. We were in for the long haul. My whole family came and went through out the day and all I can remember about that afternoon was laughing. A lot. Sharalyn on the lounge chair doing what she does best when I'm in pain. Absolutley nothing. Around 6:00 pm I started to feel something. After a few- "Im not sure what Im feeling" moments later- the nurse checked me and it was game time. As I was being wheeled into the room, Lydia (my midwife) asked me who I wanted in the room. I asked how many people were allowed in there. She asked me again who I wanted in the room. My answer was simple. Everyone. So there we were: Me, Jared, my mom, my dad, Kody, Sharalyn, Scott, Casey, Lydia, two baby nurses and an intern. PARTY TIME. My whole pregnancy I told Lydia that I would be a great pusher- and I did not disappoint. 2 pushes and this little baby was out. I can remember everyone in the room being in tears. Even Casey. Of course Casey. Lydia knew how hard we tried to get pregnant and was actually the midwife that was there with me when I had miscarried the year before. We had come a long way from that day!!

They laid Lennix on me and I can still see those huge eyes staring back at me. She was so tiny and wrinkly and pink. She was perfect. The family left and they moved me into the recovery area. Sharalyn did what was perfectly natural for her- ordered a hamburger and took a nap. In the bed with me. Our little love baby tucked in nicely between us. I could not have asked for anything better.

Lennix is more than anything I could have imagined. Girly when she needs to be, a spit fire when she wants to be, and 100% a daddys girl when she has to be!! She has taught me patience and gratitude without even trying. She has allowed me to make mistakes and is quick to forgive. She loves her brother and Nama but will always be a daddys girl at heart. She thinks she is hilarious and demands to be the star of the show when company is over. She is just everything I hoped a little girl would be. I don't care if she is a little (okay, A LOT) demanding at times- she is the cutest little thing I have ever laid eyes on. And that makes up for a lot of attitude! So, here's to you girlfriend! You are no longer a baby. That thought a lone makes me want to jump for joy and cry rivers of tears all at the same time!! We love you LJ xxoo

WARNING!! Do NOT scroll down if you have a weak stomach! Under ANY circumstances!!

How many kids get to write "My dad cut his thumb off while he was at work" for their spelling word sentences at school? Kody does!!! He was so excited that he came up with that one all on his own. Always looking for that silver lining right?










On March 18th 2002, Kody's dad, David was in a horrible accident at work and cut his thumb off. OUCH! Here's the proof. Luckily, he had amazing doctors and a lot of prayers were said on his behalf and it was reattached without problems.





*Just a side note- the word thumb has been added to my list of words I hate. It is joined by the words slot, moist, 'lil', hung, and any word that Sharalyn says that has a "p" in it. (think popcorn, purple, appliances, etc...)

Diva

This isn't it- since this picture was taken, she has added a feather boa, a tutu ballerina leotard, 2 mardi gras necklaces and bright pink finger/toe nail polish that has to be touched up DAILY! What was I thinking when I said I wanted another boy!!

Whats been going on??

Everyone keeps asking Jared and I what is going on with our recent posts. Let's back up to the post about IVF. (It's a hard knock life) That post was simply meant to be an update for those who have been following our IVF trials and for me to be honest about my feelings. Apparently "Anonymous" thought it was some sort of attack on Jared's manhood and sent these comments: (I have condensed some of them due to their redundancy, and grammatical errors- maybe they should spend less time sending messages on Blogger, and head back to school)

Shannon, I totally know how you feel 100% because I went through the exact same thing for many years and felt the same depressions as you are feeling. Hoever...I am really dissapointed that you would say such hurtful things about your husband, like it is HIS fault. I feel so bad for him after reading this. Again, I feel your pain, I felt all those things, but you need to realize that he is your husband and he DID NOT choose for this to happen. Please do not blame him for your saddness, I'm sure if he read this, it would crush him. If it was you that was causing the problems, I would sure hope he wouldn't be blaming you for something you have NO control over. At that note, please know I feel for you for the pain you are feeling, it is something no one can explain unless they have been there, as I have.
It is a very lonely and hard time. However, I am very dissapointed in the way you blame your husband on this when it is completly out of his control. If it was you that was the problem, I would sure hope that he wouldn't be putting you down and blaming you. I know you are hurting, but it is NOT his fault AT ALL! Put yourself in his shoes and imagine what it would feel like not being able to control the situation.
All I have to say is poor Jared and the feelings he is going through. He can't help it and you are making him feel worse! I know you won't post this, but I had to say something.

These comments were met with frustration, tears, and sadness that someone would actually think that I would be blaming Jared for the situation. Apparently I am not allowed to explain the situation EXACTLY LIKE IT REALLY IS without attacking Jared's manhood. I showed the comments to Jared and HE decided to write a post of his OWN. (Dear Anonymous)

Not long after that post was published, "anonymous" sent this little gem to me:
It's hard to believe that this is Jared talking...But I apologize for coming across rude. I just would NEVER resent my husband for something he can't control...and I am speaking from this first hand, we do have the same issues. Believe me when I say I know how you feel.

And then this one to Jared 15 minutes later: (this one is my favorite!!)
Alright than I will respond to you. Why dont you man up and kick her in the teeth. Why would you put up with that type of abuse? What an ungrateful piece of work she must be. How you lasted with her is amazing. If my wife did that to me I'd be changing the locks and looking for a new one. Good luck with Mrs. Perfect and make sure to keep us posted on all the upcoming personal trash she shares with eveyone.

So there you have it. That is what has been going on. I'll leave the offer on the table for anonymous: Call Jared ANY TIME you want- He'd like to have a few words with you. (That is, after he's done "kicking my teeth in") We are almost positive we know where these comments are coming from. Apparently "anonymous" doesn't know that this whole blogging thing isn't really "anonymous" afterall. The joke will be on them. To the friends and family who have shown their love and supprt- Thank you a million times over. I appreciate all the emails, texts, "out of the blue packages", turtles, etc... I have felt your love and am grateful for all of you.

Love- Mrs. Perfect

Anonymous,

CALL ME!

Jared

Dear Anonymous:

Wow Wow Wow- those were quite the comments you decided to leave on my wife's blog. You were right about one thing: she is not going to post such trash on a blog that is so special and private to her. Lets get something straight: that post had nothing to do with my wife putting me down rather her sharing her feelings about her friends all getting pregnant around her. For you to take away what you did, is purely on your shoulders. My wife and I have spent countless hours discussing what we will and wont share with people regarding our fertility issues and it is because of people like YOU that we don't share our feelings. I love how you posted Anonymously. That says a lot about you. My wife and I knew that by putting our feelings on such a public forum- we could come across such disrespectful people like yourself. For you to say that you "know first hand the feelings that we are going through" and still send a message like the one you did- you should be the one that's ashamed of yourself. As for your comment "I'm sure if he read this, it would crush him"- well, I was sitting next to my wife as she typed that last post and NONE of it makes me "feel blame, or put down, or that I am the cause of her sadness." Unlike you, I fully understand how my wife feels and appreciate her honesty and willingness to talk about those feelings with me. I know EXACTLY what she is going through and am proud of her for sticking with me through out our trials. The reality of the situation Anonymous is that IT IS because of my sperm count, that we have fertility issues. This is obviously something you must have missed. My wife has had to endure so many procedures (most of which are very painful) to bring my child into the world and for that I am forever grateful for her. I remember us having a private conversation after we had Lennix, and we decided we would not do IVF again because of all the hell we had to endure to get that precious little baby here. So when my wife and I started looking at babies with a different longing than we had before, we knew what we were getting ourselves into. Having to ask my wife to go through all the physical, emotional, and financial hardships AGAIN was very difficult. But she is the strongest person I know and I knew she would do it again. And she will do it with the help and support of her friends and family. Which thankfully are nothing like you. I find the comments you left for my wife to be insulting, hurtful and mean spirited. You DO NOT know me, or how I feel and I don't appreciate you thinking that you do. If you have something to say about me- say it to me. Not my wife. If you don't like what my wife has to say on HER blog, don't read it. I never understood why my wife was always so careful with the friends she chooses to have- until now. Thanks to you.

Jared

It's a hard knock life...

I haven't posted anything about the whole baby situation not because I'm trying to keep things a secret but there's nothing new tell. Well, almost nothing. Let me explain. Last Friday, I took Lennix to her normal Gymboree class. The teacher is this totally cute young girl who has a little boy that was born on the same day as Lennix. Because most of the other moms there are a lot older, we became friends quickly. She asked me last Friday if Jared and I were thinking about having another baby anytime soon. I told her the plans for IVF and she told me that her and her husband had just decided to start trying for another baby too. At this point, I am truly happy for her. Fast forward to Wednesdays class...She announces to the class that she is pregnant. What?!? How in the heck does that happen?

Remember all those "truly happy" feelings I had towards her? They were thrown out the window the second all the other moms started squealing and asking her a million questions about the pregnancy. In an instant- this girl became my enemy. I want to be that girl. I want the moms to squeal in delight and ask ME questions. I want people to ask me when I'm due, and about what sex I hope the baby is. More than anything, I want to tell people that my husband and I are "going to start trying" one week, and announce my pregnancy the next week.

But truth is, I'm not that girl. And never will be. I went home after that class and explained what happened to Jared. He gave me his best "it's going to be okay" gibberish and I attempted to move on. I thought I was okay. Added emphasis on "I thought." Every where I turn, people are announcing their pregnancy to me. And it's not like I'm not happy for them, it just makes me sad for myself. Thus proving so far to be a very tough place emotionally to be in.

Then this morning. I happened to check out a girls blog that is a friend of a friends- and she had announced her pregnancy too. Twins. Double blow. Let me clarify before all you pregnant people out there start to take offence- I am happy for you. Pure happiness. But, I wish I were you. And it's hard to not be you, and still be happy for you. This is something no one will understand unless they have been through something like this themselves.

I tried my best to not cry this morning. I turned the computer off and busied myself with making lunches and cleaning the house. And then it fell. A single tear on my kitchen counter. I called my sister and asked if she had a minute. Of course she says, whats up? And then it all fell. Tear after tear after tear. I let her hear ALL of it. She did a good job of just listening to me and at the end of it all she says "Well, if you ever wondered if you wanted another baby...you just got your answer." She's right. I did get my answer. I do want another baby and I want it so bad, I'm willing to go through hell again to have one.

This whole situation is very sticky for Jared and I to talk about together. We come from such different perspectives, we often don't see it black and white and have come to settle somewhere in the grey area. It's hard for me to not resent Jared. Not really Jared, just his sperm. This is something that baffles him. He always tells me it's not his "fault" and that he wishes it weren't like this. But it is like this, and it's because of his sperm that we can't get pregnant without help and $50,000. So I always eventually end up resenting him.

One of the things that always bothers me is that Jared never shows any sort of "hardship" through out any of this. It's like it doesn't even phase him. He doesn't cry when one of his friends tells him about their pregnancy. He doesn't have to endure shot after shot after shot....for months and months and months. It doesn't seem to affect him at all. Which then leads to more resentment. See where I'm going with all this??

I explained it to him like this: Imagine if I got in a car accident a year before we met. And because I had no medical insurance, I now owed the hospital hundreds of thousands of dollars. This accident wasn't my "fault" but rather the debt is just something I brought into the marriage. Because of all this debt, he had to work 7 days a week, 24 hours a day just to make the minimum payment. We would never be able to buy a house, or buy a new car. We couldn't ever put any money into savings, and barely made ends meet. It was all on his shoulders to work work work so we could pay off the debt I brought into the marriage. This "work work work" is what I feel like I have to go through. All while he gets to sit back and do nothing except hand over a sperm sample on embryo transfer day.

I know all this sounds like one big pity party. And maybe it is. But it's MY pitty party. I never expected to feel like this again so quickly. I really thought I could do this again without the emotional roller coaster. I was wrong. So, to all my friends that are preggers- please know that I love love love you and want all the happiness in the world for you. Please don't take offense if I don't vocalize it that much. This has to be a war I fight within my own heart, on my own terms . And in my own way.

Mine...

Some husbands stop by the florist on their way home from work and surprise their wife with a boquet of flowers.

I've even heard of one husband stopping by a jewelry store to buy his wife a beautiful new watch she's had her eyes on...

Mine? He stopped by the store on his way home from work and surprised me with these:

And I couldn't be happier! Thanks J for such a tastey treat.

Little convo...

The conversation Lennix and I had this morning...

Lennix: Mommy me? (handing me a wooden surfboard she found in the bag from our race this weekend)

Me: Okay. Here, hand it to me and I'll open it for you.

Lennix: Mommy, i eat?

Me: No, Lennix you cant eat that.

Lennix: MOMMY, I EAT!

Me: NO Lennix, you cant eat that!

Lennix: Mommy, why? (more like wwwwhhhhhhhyyyyyyy????)

Me: Because it's wood.

Lennix: Oh. Okay. And then she took a bite. (it was cheap wood I guess)

seriously. where did the time go? When did she learn to question things in life? (a trait about her I will cherish FOREVER!) Life with this girl gets more goofy and wonderful with each passing day.